Become different in essence

(via blogsecret)

when the doorbell rang i remember thinking in my head that i was totally screwed. it couldn’t really have happened. not this fast. i put down the water i had in my hand and walked to the front door. i saw someone standing there so it wasnt the UPS guy or something. I flicked on the light and pulled my dog back. I opened the door and standing there was a cop. Almost immediately my stomach started to turn. I don’t even remember saying anything. I closed the door hoping I could convince them I was fine and to go away quickly before my sister woke up.

It didn’t work out that way. They asked me question after question I couldn’t answer in front of her. Eventually I just started to cry. They told me they were going to have to take me to the hospital no matter what.

He went outside to talk to her. I have no idea what they said. I just sat there and cried.

I don’t even know how long it took, but eventually they took me outside. He unlocked the door and I thought for a second I wouldn’t have to feel like a criminal. I was wrong. He opened the back door.

It was cold. Plastic. There were bars on the windows. It was small. I just stared out the window while I cried silently. I can’t even pick when I was more ashamed.

He pulled into the ambulance entrance and opened the door. I got out and started to cry a little harder. We went through the doors and he tried to keep it quiet why I was there. The nurse wasn’t having it, though.

They had to clear a room for me. They gave me hospital clothes to wear. I just stoof there in the bathroom for a long time. They made me give them samples. I’m sure there were things that weren’t supposed to be in there in them. They gave me the syrup anyway, even though I lied and told them I didn’t take anything. That’s always one lie I’ve been good at.

i calmed down enough to be able to lie to them enough to get me out.

i dont know if my family knows the truth. they’re nice enough to not put suicide attempt on the reports. just self injury attempt.

after all of it, it’s not enough to stop me from wanting to die every single second of every single day.

i just want to be dead.

i’m so tired of being alive. it would be so easy for me to kill myself right now.

i hate this.

I’m fine.

Probably won’t make it another week.

yup.. if it wasn’t so awkward and ridiculous and embarassing to talk about, i would tell it to my kids or something. but im never going to have kids and even if i did i dont want them to know about this.

Usually I wake up and I just don’t want to get out of bed. But this morning I woke up and wondered why I was still alive.

I don’t understand why all this shit has to pile up at once. It’s like the world is trying to crush me.

I woke up late yesterday. I woke up more than once like I normally do and just went back to sleep. And then I woke up at like, 11:31 on my alarm clock (which is set fast just for situations like this) and i was like, oh fuck it i’m going to be late anyway. and then i sat in bed for a few minutes and i was like, fuck. i’ve done this too much. get out of bed so it doesnt end up like last semester. (It’s now lke, 11:43 by my alarm clock which is only like 5 minutes fast) so i got up and got dressed really fast and half brushed my teeth and drove to school really fast and parked and the elevator came really fast (lol) because people are in class on the hour and not using the elevator and the classes before have already let out so it came and we stopped on every fucking floor because people are too lazy to use the stairs when its two flights. and i get to class and it’s like, 12:03 or something and he’s not there yet so i’m like yesssssssssss. and i sit down and wait…. and wait….. and people are like, fuck, is he in the other room? (cause he goes to the wrong room frequently because monday we have a different room than we have on wednesday and friday) and i was like noo the lights are off. so we waited. and waited. and he wasn’t there by 12:15 and thats when we get to leave if the professor doesnt show up so we all left and i was like -_- cause i rushed there just for that class because thats my only monday class so like, fml.

and then i went to walmart to buy doggy food and i took out my phone and i had a missed call and it was laura so i had a cute conversation with laura while i was running around walmart.

and then i got home and i did the stuff that i needed to do~

and then my phone started to ring.

and of course, it was brad. because my life wasn’t sinking enough as it is, he had to come and poke more holes.

he asked me a ridiculous question, like he always does. one tha upsets me, and makes me think that hes just trying to come into my life and fuck with me again. so i tried to get him to tell me why he was asking me because he doesnt give a shit about my life until he read something like that. something he can use to toy with my brain again. so i ask him and of course he doesnt tell me. so he starts talking about booking a flight. saying how much it costs. then he asks me if ill pick him up. i just dont answer him and he asks again and again. i cant tell if hes fucking with me or if hes serious. either way, its making me want to drive into a pole.

and then he hangs up. he just hangs up. i call back, but it goes straight to voicemail. so i call jess. and i just sort of start word vomiting all over her and crying. and the whole time my phone is beeping at me. but she has class so she has to go. and then i see that i have three missed calls, all from brad. so i call him back. he doesnt answer. then he calls me back, and i ask him what he wants. he gets all pissed off and says that if i dont want to talk to him he’ll just go, and he hangs up.

then he doesnt talk to me.

and he still hasnt talked to me.

i dont understand why people cant get it through their heads that i’m a reason kind of person. i need to know the reason behind things. i need to know why. why for everything. and no one ever gives me a why. i hate when people dont explain things. i need a why. i need an explination. if i dont get one, i just make up crazy ones in my head and it drives me crazy because i always pick the worst possible one because thats normally the way it is.

it’s like people are trying to make me kill myself.

fuck.

(via blogsecret)

come like, nine months ago please.

im so so so tempted just to take a handfull of pills and go to sleep… forever.

:|